Thursday, October 23, 2014

Bursting at the seams...

I have those days where my depression really likes to beat on me. I get overly emotional. I think about all of the things I am NOT doing with my life. I think about the things I don't have. I feel like a complete failure and all I want to do is lay in bed and mope and cry..

And today is one of those days. Basically for the past week, I was at my boyfriend's house, which was keeping majority of my emotions at bay. However, when I returned to my "home", of which I share with an high-strung Grandmother and a doormat sister, those emotions came flooding back.

I dread being here longer than I have to, this place unfortunately I have to come home. But not currently having any funds in my bank account, I was stuck with doing so.

Already as I walked in the door, I could feel those feelings of not-wanted and my heart felt heavy and I couldn't stop the tears. I just wanted to run away and not come back.

Luckily for me, my boyfriend caught onto my emotional (wreck) state and came to the rescue. But eventually I had to come back. I had a terrible night sweat last night, one from being emotionally distressed. I tossed, I turned and I woke up feeling absolutely terrible.

Last night, something was said to me that wound up making me weep in the shower for 20 mins and I think bits of my heart went down the drain.

I think that's what led up to my not being able to sleep.

This is not a recent thing. And honestly this has been going on for the longest.

I feel like a complete failure to my friends and my boyfriend. An annoyance and a burden. Each time I have to ask of something from anyone I just want to slit my own wrists, or cry. Because silently I care here the judgement. I always here it in the hesitation in their voice to help..

I wish it was just something I could ignore. I wish I could shut off my depression at my own will. But I cannot. I've been dealing with depression for the past 9 years of my life. And honestly I do my best to not play the victim. Like in the past I've been told I do.

But my depression is real. I just want people to understand that. It's here. It's back. And it makes me hate everything about myself, my life. Everything.

This post is not to make you feel sorry for me, or to even try and push force some emotion that makes you even care. It's just here. It's just me putting it out there for someone who is going through the same thing. You're not alone. And your best bet is to write. I'm still here because I write. And even when I feel like I can't fucking take it anymore, I just lay there and let my mind write without pen and paper.

And then I get numb. And sooner or later, depression has packed its bags and left for however long until it is to return again.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Anime USA 2014

This weekend past, was Anime USA. A local anime/manga enthusiast convention held in the Washington, D.C area. Having lived in the area, this was my first year ever attending. But what I can say.. This was the most fun I've had at a con yet.

Thursday night, it took me forever to get my con bag packed and ready to go. I was going to ride metro for the first time ever in cosplay and it just so happened to be Sailor Moon.

On Friday, I arrived their pretty early and to my surprise it was in a really nice hotel. The con is held at the Washington Marriott Wardman Park Hotel, literally down the street from the National Zoo. It was fairly close to metro (which was a plus) and once again the hotel was fantastic.

I picked up my badge (like at any other con) which looked like this:


After picking up my badge I walked around a bit (after adjusting my cosplay) trying to see if I could find anyone I knew. Because it was still early nothing was open yet, not even the dealer hall. I didn't want to go outside as it was pretty chilly (and a short skirt + chill = no bueno) so I stopped by a little cafe they had and got some pineapples and juice and plopped back down on a couch and took a selfie. 


By this time people were beginning to pour into the convention. I decided to wander around a bit more and that's when I wandered into this wonderful person!


Meet Tara! She completely made her costume and did the make-up and everything and boy did she look cool. She was basically wandering the con alone while her friends were still sleeping so we decided to adventure together.

And here's my Sailor Moon!