Living with anxiety and depression.

The sun is shining bright, people around you and laughing smiling and having a good time. But you're sitting there sweating, shaking and crying. And you do not know why.

This is anxiety. However, anxiety comes in many variations.

I have recently been diagnosed with severe anxiety, even though I knew I had anxiety before. And honestly, this is just icing on the cake seeing as I also suffer from depression.

Living with anxiety and depression can seem like a nightmare, believe me. You'll go through extreme mood swings, go through extremes with decisions and feeling bad about things you shouldn't feel bad about. The littlest of things can set either off. And it's not a fun picnic.

I've suffered from depression for maybe about 10 years now. I've been on medication, seen therapists etc. And nothing has ever really made it "go away". As depression does not work that way.

Anxiety is something that has built up in the past couple of years. My first extreme anxiety attack was 2011, and it landed me in the hospital. My 2nd was last year and my 3rd... yesterday.

Yesterday's attack made me realize I'm not doing what I should be doing to take care of myself mentally. I do nothing but let things build up and eat away at me until I break. And I usually break down often.

Depression, has always been an uphill battle for me. The top of the hill being the point I'm always trying to reach. The trek there is usually difficult for me. I guess as well this can be applied to life.

So, how am I living with both of these knowing the difficulties?

When I'm feeling depressed, despite feeling like I can't and won't be able to do anything I get up and force myself too and sometimes I tend to churn out some of my most creative projects. If I can't up the urge to do anything creative, I usually watch one of my favorite shows and just laze around until I start to feel a bit better. It's never always that easy, and it usually takes some effort. But I usually get past my shadowy days, even if they last a few days.

Anxiety is a bit harder for me to deal with. As I can never figure out what triggers it for me. But writing sometimes helps me calm down anytime I feel myself freaking out say at work, or about relationship stuff and other issues. I've been keeping a journal since March 2014 and though most of the entries are the negativities at least I've been getting them out.

My next step for myself is finding a really good therapist and try out therapy sessions again. The last therapist I had basically tried to tell me my fears and anxieties were all my own doing. And while it could've been true it did not make me feel any better.

How do I deal with the crying, the screaming, the feeling like pure shit? I let it happen. I noticed the more I fight releasing feelings I usually feel worse. And then I usually end up hurting myself more or even someone else in the process.

How does this effect other people around me? It does, it does terribly.I usually can't control my episodes and I sometimes take them out on others. While that has gotten better, I've had some terrible instances in the past I'd rather not even talk about.

But good things are happening in your life! Good, bad, ugly. Does not matter when an episode strikes. And it does not make me feel like less of a person, I've learned, to let these episodes occur no matter what good occurrence is happening.

In short, I'm working on me but I'm still a work in progress. I'm still a wonderful person despite having anxiety and depression (and according from one psychologist, suffering from bi-polar disorder),

They're apart of me, but they don't rule over me.

This day...among other days...and good things.

Really not in a good mood right now. Mother nature decided she wants to play games, but as well play with my mood and the universe wants to screw with many elements of my being today as well.

Overall shitty day.

I have to work early as f&%k shifts tomorrow and Sunday, and though I am grateful that I have a job again, I am not thankful that sadly I have to work so early and on the weekends.

I decided to revamp my blog layout. Just to make it look a little better. And honestly I like the minimalist look if it. I feel like I should blog more. As I rarely do so anymore. And I really do want to get back into doing so.

I feel like it'll help de-stress me more. I have my journal and such but eh, let's face it. I'm not always in the mood to sit and write in it.

Doesn't help that people at my job sort of stress me out. People shouldn't,,, but they do.. sadly.

I realize now also, that the last time I blogged on here was before the new year started. We are in March and I figure I should make a list of things that have occurred that are on the positive side.

• Got a job with pretty steady income.
• Got a new phone.
• Working on saving money.

Yeah not a lot, but making progress, that's for sure.

I've been stuck with cosplay things and honestly, I just feel like I don't have much time for me anymore. And I think that's why I'm sad rn.

Also - F@!KING SICK of my face breaking out. I'm too old to be dealing with this B.S. Really.

Bursting at the seams...

I have those days where my depression really likes to beat on me. I get overly emotional. I think about all of the things I am NOT doing with my life. I think about the things I don't have. I feel like a complete failure and all I want to do is lay in bed and mope and cry..

And today is one of those days. Basically for the past week, I was at my boyfriend's house, which was keeping majority of my emotions at bay. However, when I returned to my "home", of which I share with an high-strung Grandmother and a doormat sister, those emotions came flooding back.

I dread being here longer than I have to, this place unfortunately I have to come home. But not currently having any funds in my bank account, I was stuck with doing so.

Already as I walked in the door, I could feel those feelings of not-wanted and my heart felt heavy and I couldn't stop the tears. I just wanted to run away and not come back.

Luckily for me, my boyfriend caught onto my emotional (wreck) state and came to the rescue. But eventually I had to come back. I had a terrible night sweat last night, one from being emotionally distressed. I tossed, I turned and I woke up feeling absolutely terrible.

Last night, something was said to me that wound up making me weep in the shower for 20 mins and I think bits of my heart went down the drain.

I think that's what led up to my not being able to sleep.

This is not a recent thing. And honestly this has been going on for the longest.

I feel like a complete failure to my friends and my boyfriend. An annoyance and a burden. Each time I have to ask of something from anyone I just want to slit my own wrists, or cry. Because silently I care here the judgement. I always here it in the hesitation in their voice to help..

I wish it was just something I could ignore. I wish I could shut off my depression at my own will. But I cannot. I've been dealing with depression for the past 9 years of my life. And honestly I do my best to not play the victim. Like in the past I've been told I do.

But my depression is real. I just want people to understand that. It's here. It's back. And it makes me hate everything about myself, my life. Everything.

This post is not to make you feel sorry for me, or to even try and push force some emotion that makes you even care. It's just here. It's just me putting it out there for someone who is going through the same thing. You're not alone. And your best bet is to write. I'm still here because I write. And even when I feel like I can't fucking take it anymore, I just lay there and let my mind write without pen and paper.

And then I get numb. And sooner or later, depression has packed its bags and left for however long until it is to return again.