Sunday, August 2, 2015

Living with anxiety and depression.

The sun is shining bright, people around you and laughing smiling and having a good time. But you're sitting there sweating, shaking and crying. And you do not know why.

This is anxiety. However, anxiety comes in many variations.

I have recently been diagnosed with severe anxiety, even though I knew I had anxiety before. And honestly, this is just icing on the cake seeing as I also suffer from depression.

Living with anxiety and depression can seem like a nightmare, believe me. You'll go through extreme mood swings, go through extremes with decisions and feeling bad about things you shouldn't feel bad about. The littlest of things can set either off. And it's not a fun picnic.

I've suffered from depression for maybe about 10 years now. I've been on medication, seen therapists etc. And nothing has ever really made it "go away". As depression does not work that way.

Anxiety is something that has built up in the past couple of years. My first extreme anxiety attack was 2011, and it landed me in the hospital. My 2nd was last year and my 3rd... yesterday.

Yesterday's attack made me realize I'm not doing what I should be doing to take care of myself mentally. I do nothing but let things build up and eat away at me until I break. And I usually break down often.

Depression, has always been an uphill battle for me. The top of the hill being the point I'm always trying to reach. The trek there is usually difficult for me. I guess as well this can be applied to life.

So, how am I living with both of these knowing the difficulties?

When I'm feeling depressed, despite feeling like I can't and won't be able to do anything I get up and force myself too and sometimes I tend to churn out some of my most creative projects. If I can't up the urge to do anything creative, I usually watch one of my favorite shows and just laze around until I start to feel a bit better. It's never always that easy, and it usually takes some effort. But I usually get past my shadowy days, even if they last a few days.

Anxiety is a bit harder for me to deal with. As I can never figure out what triggers it for me. But writing sometimes helps me calm down anytime I feel myself freaking out say at work, or about relationship stuff and other issues. I've been keeping a journal since March 2014 and though most of the entries are the negativities at least I've been getting them out.

My next step for myself is finding a really good therapist and try out therapy sessions again. The last therapist I had basically tried to tell me my fears and anxieties were all my own doing. And while it could've been true it did not make me feel any better.

How do I deal with the crying, the screaming, the feeling like pure shit? I let it happen. I noticed the more I fight releasing feelings I usually feel worse. And then I usually end up hurting myself more or even someone else in the process.

How does this effect other people around me? It does, it does terribly.I usually can't control my episodes and I sometimes take them out on others. While that has gotten better, I've had some terrible instances in the past I'd rather not even talk about.

But good things are happening in your life! Good, bad, ugly. Does not matter when an episode strikes. And it does not make me feel like less of a person, I've learned, to let these episodes occur no matter what good occurrence is happening.

In short, I'm working on me but I'm still a work in progress. I'm still a wonderful person despite having anxiety and depression (and according from one psychologist, suffering from bi-polar disorder),

They're apart of me, but they don't rule over me.