Living with anxiety and depression.

The sun is shining bright, people around you and laughing smiling and having a good time. But you're sitting there sweating, shaking and crying. And you do not know why.

This is anxiety. However, anxiety comes in many variations.

I have recently been diagnosed with severe anxiety, even though I knew I had anxiety before. And honestly, this is just icing on the cake seeing as I also suffer from depression.

Living with anxiety and depression can seem like a nightmare, believe me. You'll go through extreme mood swings, go through extremes with decisions and feeling bad about things you shouldn't feel bad about. The littlest of things can set either off. And it's not a fun picnic.

I've suffered from depression for maybe about 10 years now. I've been on medication, seen therapists etc. And nothing has ever really made it "go away". As depression does not work that way.

Anxiety is something that has built up in the past couple of years. My first extreme anxiety attack was 2011, and it landed me in the hospital. My 2nd was last year and my 3rd... yesterday.

Yesterday's attack made me realize I'm not doing what I should be doing to take care of myself mentally. I do nothing but let things build up and eat away at me until I break. And I usually break down often.

Depression, has always been an uphill battle for me. The top of the hill being the point I'm always trying to reach. The trek there is usually difficult for me. I guess as well this can be applied to life.

So, how am I living with both of these knowing the difficulties?

When I'm feeling depressed, despite feeling like I can't and won't be able to do anything I get up and force myself too and sometimes I tend to churn out some of my most creative projects. If I can't up the urge to do anything creative, I usually watch one of my favorite shows and just laze around until I start to feel a bit better. It's never always that easy, and it usually takes some effort. But I usually get past my shadowy days, even if they last a few days.

Anxiety is a bit harder for me to deal with. As I can never figure out what triggers it for me. But writing sometimes helps me calm down anytime I feel myself freaking out say at work, or about relationship stuff and other issues. I've been keeping a journal since March 2014 and though most of the entries are the negativities at least I've been getting them out.

My next step for myself is finding a really good therapist and try out therapy sessions again. The last therapist I had basically tried to tell me my fears and anxieties were all my own doing. And while it could've been true it did not make me feel any better.

How do I deal with the crying, the screaming, the feeling like pure shit? I let it happen. I noticed the more I fight releasing feelings I usually feel worse. And then I usually end up hurting myself more or even someone else in the process.

How does this effect other people around me? It does, it does terribly.I usually can't control my episodes and I sometimes take them out on others. While that has gotten better, I've had some terrible instances in the past I'd rather not even talk about.

But good things are happening in your life! Good, bad, ugly. Does not matter when an episode strikes. And it does not make me feel like less of a person, I've learned, to let these episodes occur no matter what good occurrence is happening.

In short, I'm working on me but I'm still a work in progress. I'm still a wonderful person despite having anxiety and depression (and according from one psychologist, suffering from bi-polar disorder),

They're apart of me, but they don't rule over me.

Round up of 2014!

Wow, another year is leaving us and we are approaching on the year 2015. I am excited yet sad at the same time, but glad that with a new year means new adventures, new experiences, new chances to make a better self. 

I figured I'd try my best at recapping events that happened throughout the year by month. :D And hopefully it'll make for a interesting post. 

JANUARY

Ringing in 2014 wasn't that great. Wound up getting into a big fight with my boyfriend, and that escalated into just a big emotional mess. But I'm just glad the month panned out to be a decent one.

FEBRUARY 

Had a decent Valentine's Day weekend with the boyfriend. But from that weekend after, we kind of split. I got booked to show up at a local artist's event and I met celebrity dj, DJ Schemes. As well, got diagnosed with cancer.

MARCH

Began prepping for my online friend of 8 years first visit! Bought my first journal in the past 2 years.

APRIL

My best friend, Michelle, from Tennessee comes to stay and visit for 2 weeks! We visit the White House, the Cherry Blossoms, the Jefferson memorial and several other places. Partied, shared laughs and some downs and I'm just glad I finally got to meet her. I almost cried when she finally left for the airport.

MAY - JUNE

I got a job at Macy's after a while of being sick and as well as being unemployed for awhile.

JULY - AUGUST

First cosplay prep! I decided upon doing my childhood hero, or heroine I may say, Sailor Moon. Went to Otakon 2014, which was my first experience in cosplaying. Sadly I could only go one day as I fell ill.

SEPTEMBER 

My 23rd birthday! Greatful to see another year. Especially with my health and everything that had happened to me. Went to a trampoline place and had the time of my life being a anime princess with my purple hair and crown.

OCTOBER

Celebrated 2 years of ups and downs with the boyfriend and really, I just hopw we grew stronger.

NOVEMBER

Bad month. Baaaad month.

DECEMBER 

Better month. Christmas was great. Learned many things about myself. And now I know how I want to go about the New Year!

So that's a short post but that my year in a nutshell. I wanted to get this post done before Midnight, (and unfortunately I'm using the Blogger app to write and edit so forgive the mistakes) so sorry if it's a little bland!

I look forward to all that 2015 has to offer me and the bettering of myself. I hope 2015 is just as sweet to you as I plan on making it for me! Muah bunnies! Xoxo

A Natural Gal's Woes...

Honestly, I don't even know where to begin this post as I am brand new to the "Natural" community. I've watched videos, read articles, done plenty of research on the internet - but still didn't feel like I could be totally "informed" without going through my own trial and error. I figured since I have this blog, I would start to monitor my hair progress, even with my illness and sickness. Stress management and the works.

Back in May of this year (2014), I made the leap and completely shaved my head bald. Completely bald. 

Cancer, chemotherapy treatments and life stressed caused me to just make the big move. And though I didn't have the confidence to fully embrace it. It was there. It was done, and I had to move on from that.

It took a little bit for my hair to actually start to grow out but by August of this year (2014) it became a nice little curly fro. I am still not aware of what my hair type is, as there apparently is a glossary to this but as it grows and I learn, I'm sure I'll become aware of what my hair needs most.

Right now it's a decent length and honestly, I haven't been doing too much to it other than conditioning it, moisturizing it (when I wasn't lazy) and just letting it be a curly mess. And I can admit, I should be doing more as this is the vital stage to hair growth - but with my funds being low at the moment I can only afford but so much hair care products. I only use a curl custard right now and my regular African Shea butter and Suave Shampoo/Conditioner products. But I definitely want to venture into Natural Hair Care products.

So my hair looks like this now, and honestly I want to start wearing it out more. I've only been hiding my hair under wigs, and hats and such and I know that isn't the best either. And with summertime coming up in the next few months I want my hair to be longer and luscious so I don't have to be sweaty and hot in wigs.

I think my hair is adorable~ When it's like this. Only it doesn't dry like this,

This is a short post, as I'm just stating what I'll be blogging about more and possibly vlogging about over the next few months.

Bursting at the seams...

I have those days where my depression really likes to beat on me. I get overly emotional. I think about all of the things I am NOT doing with my life. I think about the things I don't have. I feel like a complete failure and all I want to do is lay in bed and mope and cry..

And today is one of those days. Basically for the past week, I was at my boyfriend's house, which was keeping majority of my emotions at bay. However, when I returned to my "home", of which I share with an high-strung Grandmother and a doormat sister, those emotions came flooding back.

I dread being here longer than I have to, this place unfortunately I have to come home. But not currently having any funds in my bank account, I was stuck with doing so.

Already as I walked in the door, I could feel those feelings of not-wanted and my heart felt heavy and I couldn't stop the tears. I just wanted to run away and not come back.

Luckily for me, my boyfriend caught onto my emotional (wreck) state and came to the rescue. But eventually I had to come back. I had a terrible night sweat last night, one from being emotionally distressed. I tossed, I turned and I woke up feeling absolutely terrible.

Last night, something was said to me that wound up making me weep in the shower for 20 mins and I think bits of my heart went down the drain.

I think that's what led up to my not being able to sleep.

This is not a recent thing. And honestly this has been going on for the longest.

I feel like a complete failure to my friends and my boyfriend. An annoyance and a burden. Each time I have to ask of something from anyone I just want to slit my own wrists, or cry. Because silently I care here the judgement. I always here it in the hesitation in their voice to help..

I wish it was just something I could ignore. I wish I could shut off my depression at my own will. But I cannot. I've been dealing with depression for the past 9 years of my life. And honestly I do my best to not play the victim. Like in the past I've been told I do.

But my depression is real. I just want people to understand that. It's here. It's back. And it makes me hate everything about myself, my life. Everything.

This post is not to make you feel sorry for me, or to even try and push force some emotion that makes you even care. It's just here. It's just me putting it out there for someone who is going through the same thing. You're not alone. And your best bet is to write. I'm still here because I write. And even when I feel like I can't fucking take it anymore, I just lay there and let my mind write without pen and paper.

And then I get numb. And sooner or later, depression has packed its bags and left for however long until it is to return again.